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Thursday, January 30, 2014

I'm Backkkkkkk!!!!!/The Phantom

It's been a minute since I have written anything. I got real caught up with school, work, family, and a relationship. I feel like I missed out on so much as 2013 came to a close. I  started co-hosting an awesome Underground hip-hop radio show, on Mixbully.com, known as DourHour Radio. I was really upset to have to put these two aside. The blog and the show were important to me. I was heartbroken to have to fall back from it.I had so much going on and so little time. This semester I decided to slow it down a bit. While I will be taking more classes, I also promise I will make time for things that are important to me.


Today I am not going to post one of my witty articles many of you have grown to love, but a little glimpse into my psyche. This little story has to do with a relationship that had a huge impact on my life. I know a lot of times we do not like to admit that we let someone have such power over us, but as you all know, I am not afraid to go there. It might even be therapeutic for me to let you guys read it.

so here it goes and remember all isn't fair in love and war...         




I hate these dreams. The ones you wake up from that feel so real. The ones that you know are memories that lay hidden in the recesses of my mind; they are reminders of the phantom pieces of my heart. The part that got lost when they walked away. I hate these dreams they make me feel sideways. In them I am lost in the desires of my heart. I come to realizing that it was all imagined. We didn’t just have a stroll in the park. We didn’t just laugh until our cheeks hurt. You did not just kiss me tenderly as I feel asleep in your arms and tell me you love me.  I woke up to empty arms and a cold bed. You were never there you haven’t been there for years.

I try frantically to fall asleep again. Hoping maybe I can will that dream to come back, so I can have you again for a moment longer. The ghost of you in my dreams is all I have left now.  You are gone. I know that every time I wake from them. The wake up hurts as much as the break-up.

The wake up reminds me of why you left. I can hear you voice so clearly. “ I am not happy, being with you does not make me happy,” I know that it’s true. I saw it in your eyes months before you even uttered those words. It still did not stop me from saying, “I thought you loved me and you said you were never going to leave me and you were always going to be there for me.”  With no emotion at all you say, “When was the last time I said those things?” It is not really a question but a command from you to me. A command that forces me to rack my brain and realize that was months ago before your eyes showed me something different.

No matter where I run.  From arm to arm, state-to-state, and continent-to-continent, I can’t escape these dreams. I can’t escape the memory of you. It’s like Kanye said “In my past, you on the other side of the glass of my memory's museum,” All you are now is a relic. A piece of my history hidden behind the glass wall of my memories I can no longer touch you but, you have left an indelible mark on me.  You have become immortalized in my dreams. You are the Phantom.




* Note to readers this piece is best read listening to the song “Sideways” by Citizens Cope*


Sunday, July 28, 2013

A Tiger Can't Change His Stripes: Why Trying to Change a Man is an Epic Fail.



Today I had the pleasure of chatting with one my guy friends from law school.

I asked him, "What is a topic a man wants to read from a woman's perspective?"

He responded with, "Why does a woman always try to change a man?"

My friend said he sees woman trying to change a man. He said he noticed that woman want a guy that does not really exist. They want a smart thug that never went to prison. He has a lot of money,
all the free time in the world, and he never cheats. So what they do is settle for a thug and attempt to change him. Then when he does not change, they cry to everyone about how trifling he is. I could not agree more. I see it everyday. The news-feeds on my social networks are overrun with women complaining about their crappy guy and the poor sap trying to defend himself. I see it in movies and TV shows. Almost every genre of music there is a song about how the guy is a skeezeball and the woman should have known soon as she met him.

With all of these stories why do so many women attempt the impossible? I turned to my Facebook friends for help. I asked them, "Can someone tell me why women try to change or fix a man? I would really like to know... Does it work?"
Here is what they had to say on the matter: 


Laura Lala Kirkland: "Hell no it doesn't work."

Pamela Fierro: "You can't change anyone."

Michael Towns: "People change only when they want to and put the work in other then that nobody can change somebody that don't want to change."

Jamie Helena: "A woman can't change a man because she loves him but a man can change if he loves her.. "

Dexter SpeaksKnowledge: "It shouldn't be about change in the first place, it should be about compromise. You don't go into a relationship thinking what do I have to change about this person, with live its whether or not you accept the person for who they are, which makes them unique. Certain circumstances will reveal issues that require adjustment but please, you and me both know baby girl if you're messing with the right person you live their flaws as much as the positives. It can open up someone's mind to think outside of their comfort zone and try to balance as opposed to dominate someone's personality. Relationships aren't a dictatorship."

Siobhan Ayers: "It took us all a very long time to know you can't change some one, and I don't know if it was ever about changing a person. I think it was more the thought of "they CAN change" and we just hoped we stuck around long enough to see it. A person won't change if they don't want too, which is a whole other lesson we all have to learn the hard way..."

Svetlana Ince: "They are dumb as beans..., you can't and shouldn't want to change ppl and they can only fix or help themselves when they accept they have problems or issues and want help...."
 
Although this is a small sample of people I think it was great one. The people who commented were all in their mid to late twenties, male and female, and came from various ethnic groups. While this is not a sociological or psychological research project, I think the conclusion is you cannot change a person and it's not even worth attempting.

My personal stance is, I am not an advocate of trying to change someone unless they ask for help. I have also been the one several men have tried to change. I can honestly say I hated every second of it. It took a toll on my self-esteem. I personally like the way I am. I like that I am free-spirit and completely guided by my own desires. I like how I look overall. I am by no means stick thin and I do have a slightly protruding abdomen, but overall I find myself attractive. When a man decided he wanted to change how I dress, my weight, or the way I carry myself, I found that I would get depressed. I feel it was a leading cause of me cheating and looking elsewhere for love. In the beginning I tried to appease the guy because I cared about his feelings, but later I started to feel like I could find someone who wanted me the way I am. If I feel that way, a man must feel that way as well.
The best thing to do is make smarter choices.  Make a list of must have qualities (that are within reason) and do not compromise on that list.Take your time getting to know the person before you give them your heart and/or your panties. If you see things in your relationship you do not like speak up. If the person is willing to change they will. If you see no change, then move on. You may have some lonely days and nights, but its better to be alone than deal with unnecessary drama and heartache.
Well this is me signing off. Remember all isn't fair in love and war.

Friday, July 19, 2013

My Reaction to The Zimmerman Trial (featuring Music by Melly Mel)

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I have been busy trying to get my life in order. I applied for a masters in science at CW Post. I got into the program to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. My focus will be relationship counseling. I have also been actively pursuing a better job, one that will look great on a resume and put money in my pocket that feels great. So that is a little update on my life. Now to get to the writing. This article may completely change how you view me. I realize that and accept it. So here goes...

The last week America has been in an uproar, especially the African-American community. The case of the State of Florida v. George Zimmerman has caused a lot of stress and division. As I look on my Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter I realize that many of the people I care for have vastly different views on this case.  Some people feel it was a case on race and others feel it was self-defense. I have even read that the case should not have been tried because George Zimmerman followed the law to the letter. Everyone has an opinion and it seems everyone has become a lawyer.

To be honest I did not follow the case as closely as many people. I could not. I did not have the heart to do so. My heart was twisted in so many directions regarding this case. I am the mother of an African-American and Hispanic son. My child is only two but, I always fear for his future. As a black mother you do not just have to worry about your child getting good grades, going off to college and living the American dream. You have to worry about so much more.  I wonder how he will fare being raised in a single parent home. Most times children raised in single parent homes face more struggles in lives. I worry if he will engage in nefarious activities and end up in prison. I worry if he will have a child before marriage. I do not believe many mothers from the paler ethnic groups have these same fears while raising their son.
marriage or contract an STD. I worry if he will be bullied. I worry what his sexual orientation will be. I gave him a name that was gender and ethnically ambiguous so that it will make it easier for him to get a job.  The Zimmerman case now has me worried if he is walking down the street on a cold night in a decent neighborhood witha hoodie on, will someone mistake him for a criminal, attack, and shoot him?

Another issue that weighed on my mind is the racial climate of the south. As many of my readers know I went to law school last year in Louisiana. I found out in under a year, that it was not the place for me. The racial tension in the south is thick. I honestly find that both African-American and Caucasian-Americans hold prejudicial stereotypes against one another. I am a woman of mixed race which I found out is only something northerners care about. In the south if your skin is dark your black, that's it. You better know your place and stay in it. So when I read people's statements that this is not a race issue, I recall my own experiences, and I know that is entirely untrue. I also find it laughable that while Zimmerman clearly looks Hispanic, he identifies with being Caucasian. I also see that the whole brown bag test holds true down there. I have had to be in Sanford, Florida many times in my life. I am just glad to only have been passing through that very dark place. I also recall the comments of "Juror B37" She already had her mind made up about how she felt about the young black male walking through a white neighborhood. Her comments came off as Trayvon got what he deserved. I am not sure that is true based off the evidence that was presented. We honestly do not know what actually occurred that night and can only speculate on what led to Trayvon's final moments.

The way Mark O' Mara argued Zimmerman's case was beyond great. I honestly do not see how Zimmerman could have been convicted. He totally threw out the using "Stand Your Ground" as his defense and went with self-defense. The State did a poor job with everything. The Jury selection process showed they did not use any of their nullification powers. The Jury was of six people and a majority Caucasian females. I do not see how that equates to the jury of a Hispanic male in his late 20's peers. They presented evidence in a lackluster manner and did not even ask the real stirring and important questions of the witnesses. A lot of people have apparently enrolled in their nearest law schools in the last month. They think they know how the verdict should have been decided. I feel unless you have sat through 40 hours of 3-7 different actual law classes, and taken a 5 hour exams for said courses for at least a semester, you should really take a seat. Mark O' Mara argued the law in a fashion that Florida State should be proud of. Clearly the gazillion hours he spent in their law libraries and on LexisNexis and WestLaw paid off. I personally find Zimmerman to be a total douche, but I do believe that in this case the law prevailed. I do truly hope that the Martin family can find justice in a civil court or that Attorney General Eric Holder will take a bit more action than confiscating Zimmerman's gun.


 Please enjoy this song about ending gun Violence Directed By Kraze of Industry Muscle and Performed by Melly Mel a Rapper from Long Island, NY.......
Well this me signing of.... Remember all isn't fair in love and war!









Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dating an Ass Hat- Run Away From Them Baby, Run Away!


Ladies and gents, have you ever dated an Ass Hat? The odds are you have or at least met one on your romantic journey. The Urban Dictionary defines an Ass Hat as, "A close cousin of the Ass-clown, typically identified by a jovial expression and an outward misunderstanding of how he/she is perceived, combined with a generally misguided conception of what is sociably acceptable amongst his/her fellow peers." Now that you have been informed...its time to tell my tale.

About two weeks during a video shoot for My best friend Gia, I met a young man that I will refer to as Larry Goldwitz. He was actually invited by me to be in the video as an extra, He belonged to a trio one of whom was a mutual friend. Our mutual friend thought it would be a good idea for us to link on a non-professional manner. To be honest he was not someone I would notice at first, second or third glance, but my close guy friend said it was a good look and I did not think he would steer me wrong.

During the shoot we chatted one another up.I began to realize he had a nice personality and we had a lot in common. We exchanged numbers and I figured well at least we could be friends if anything. Near the end of the shoot we discussed catching a Iron Man 3.

At this point the story picks up and hits full speed, I am going to speed through most of it and get to the pure Ass Hatness of it all. We did end up seeing that movie and had a great time getting to know one another after. We hung out and went on  several dates over the course of two weeks. On two of the occasions, I got to see a shooting star fly across the sky, while I was in his presence. All in all I was content.

I kind of wish life had a soundtrack. Like it played different melodies to let you know when things are about to go south. I believe my melody would have changed the day he introduced me to his mom.

I thought it was nice gesture and it made me feel less uncomfortable being at his house. That day was actually a pretty good one. He took me to breakfast that morning and dinner in the city. I think the Jaws music would have started playing when he asked me a seemingly innocent question.... On our way to Manhattan he asked me if I saw him as my boyfriend in the future. My palms got sweaty and my mouth got dry, but in my head I was thinking I do not want to come off as a player, or acting like a dude (this side of me will be discussed in another post). I told him that I could see it in the future. That was a true answer but my mental time frame was really 3 to 6 months from now. It's also a big enough time frame for me to meet someone I actually like better or find more appealing.  I mean he seemed a really nice and sweet guy and if things stayed easy for a good amount of time maybe.  He quickly responded saying that he felt the same about me.
                                                
Things were moving at a decent pace. I would hang out with him part of the day and my friends and family the other parts.  As a matter of fact he even stated that he had an "Open Door Policy," with me. That he liked how I went out and did my thing, but always came back to him. 
In my head I figured this was not going to last long, because things like this never do. I did want it to end nicely though, where we could be friends and have fond memories of one another. I also did not want any drama because my friend had kind of hooked us up and I did not want it falling on him.

Basically by the Sunday of our second week hanging out, things took a turn for the worst.
We saw Star Trek and went to dinner. During dinner he ask me what we were doing and I said dating. He asked me what that meant. I really wanted to say that we when go out I am not paying for diddly-do. What I actually said was that we were getting to know each other better hanging out and seeing where it leads. After dinner, We went to his place had wine and were listening to music. Out of the clear blue he decides to blurt out, that he does not want a relationship. After he says that he proceeded to try jump my bones.

I was like WTF?! I was not upset that he did not want a relationship, but how does someone say that after all the events I just relayed, and then tries to sleep with me. Was he kidding me? I was to tipsy to drive, so I slept it off and left the next day. That morning I did not say much to him. What was there to say? He called me and apologized and gave me some weak ass explanation for his behavior. The woman in me accepted it and invited him to see another good friend mine perform at the Blue Note in Manhattan. He accepted stating how he wanted to spend time with me and did not like the idea of me being mad at him.

Earlier I stated how I did not want any drama or my homeboy involved in this mess. Well basically When Larry felt I was slipping through his fingers, he got in contact with my friend letting him know what had transpired. My friend called me on the way to the city to see if I was alright. I was freaking mad. I felt like a line had been crossed one that I would never have crossed. Things honestly just died that day.

The day after we went to the city my friend felt Larry and I should talk. Larry told me he would be getting back from work in the city around 10:30 and asked for a ride from the train. I agreed to the task. Every twenty minutes, he text me he was catching the next train. I ended up picking him up from the train station at after 1 am. I was extremely annoyed. He does not live anywhere near me, it was late, and I had to be to work by 9 am. We did end up having a conversation and it left me extremely confused.  In one breathe he told me he was pushing me away because I was a great match for him and he did not want to be with anyone again ( he was engaged to an evil woman in the past and now needed time to heal). In the other breathe he was telling me how he missed me, did not want me mad, and was kissing me.

I told my friend the next morning what happened and he was basically confused as well. over the course of the next three days I tried to link with Larry. He would make plans with me early in the day around lunch time and by the time I got off of work, he would cancel. The worst had to be Saturday.

At 1pm that day we made plans to hang out at his house around 7:30.  At 4pm he tells me he is in Mount Vernon recording at a studio and that he has to go to the city and New Jersey. I asked him three times if he was cancelling and he never responded. I told my homeboy what was going on. Around 9pm I call him to talk and he does not answer but hits me up with a text letting me know he is working. Then he hits me with the "this is how feelings getting involved." At this point I am furious. I have no feelings for this guy. I basically liked one thing about him and if that was being cut-off there was no point in us communicating. I relayed more of what was going on to my friend and he told me he was going to ask him what was going on. I said to him, are you going to call him. He told me no that he was going to stop by. I did  not see how that was possible if the guy was in Manhattan or New Jersey, or Mount Vernon. My friend told me he was at his house. Imagine the shock on my face.
The first time in my life someone had made my jaw drop.  

Larry and I ended up texting each other. He basically told me he had some stuff to explain and not to be mad at him. He told me that my friend came by to see him. I said really where in Jersey, Mt. Vernon, or Manhattan? He said no my house. I acted as if I knew nothing, it seemed the best approach to me. I honestly do not need an explanation for a lie.

I basically felt that this story needed to be told. I know I am not the only one who has gone through something like this. I should have taken note of  the cues this guy was an Ass Hat and run for my life. He gave off clear clues. He was not very truthful, had his head stuck up his ass, he had way too much drama in his life, did not seem to have a center, and did not respect the time of others. He did all this fronting like he was not actually this way.

Ladies and Gents once you realize someone is an Ass Hat, do not walk but Runaway. I wish that Runaway by Kanye West had started playing as my soundtrack . Signing off now and  remember all isn't fair in love and war.






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