Valentine's Day is just a few days away. If you have special
plans with your honey for the night you may be wondering what to wear.
Some people go the super sexy route, which isn't bad if that's your
thing. But how can you pull off sexy without being too sexy?
In my opinion being too sexy would be wearing something that
leaves nothing left for the imagination. Being sexy depends on the
person. You can feel sexy in a pair of jeans, heels, and a blouse. Or
you can feel sexy in a nice dress and heels.
Since Valentine's Day is associated with red and pink, why not
incorporate it into your wardrobe for the day. Add some key accessories
to your look such as rings, earrings, and a fab clutch and you have
pulled off the perfect outfit.
It's been a minute since I have written anything. I got real caught up with school, work, family, and a relationship. I feel like I missed out on so much as 2013 came to a close. I started co-hosting an awesome Underground hip-hop radio show, on Mixbully.com, known as DourHour Radio. I was really upset to have to put these two aside. The blog and the show were important to me. I was heartbroken to have to fall back from it.I had so much going on and so little time. This semester I decided to slow it down a bit. While I will be taking more classes, I also promise I will make time for things that are important to me.
Today I am not going to post one of my witty articles many of you have grown to love, but a little glimpse into my psyche. This little story has to do with a relationship that had a huge impact on my life. I know a lot of times we do not like to admit that we let someone have such power over us, but as you all know, I am not afraid to go there. It might even be therapeutic for me to let you guys read it.
so here it goes and remember all isn't fair in love and war...
I hate these dreams. The ones you wake up from that feel so real. The ones that you know are memories that lay hidden in the recesses of my mind; they are reminders of the phantom pieces of my heart. The part that got lost when they walked away. I hate these dreams they make me feel sideways. In them I am lost in the desires of my heart. I come to realizing that it was all imagined. We didn’t just have a stroll in the park. We didn’t just laugh until our cheeks hurt. You did not just kiss me tenderly as I feel asleep in your arms and tell me you love me. I woke up to empty arms and a cold bed. You were never there you haven’t been there for years.
I try frantically to fall asleep again. Hoping maybe I can will that dream to come back, so I can have you again for a moment longer. The ghost of you in my dreams is all I have left now. You are gone. I know that every time I wake from them. The wake up hurts as much as the break-up.
The wake up reminds me of why you left. I can hear you voice so clearly. “ I am not happy, being with you does not make me happy,” I know that it’s true. I saw it in your eyes months before you even uttered those words. It still did not stop me from saying, “I thought you loved me and you said you were never going to leave me and you were always going to be there for me.” With no emotion at all you say, “When was the last time I said those things?” It is not really a question but a command from you to me. A command that forces me to rack my brain and realize that was months ago before your eyes showed me something different.
No matter where I run. From arm to arm, state-to-state, and continent-to-continent, I can’t escape these dreams. I can’t escape the memory of you. It’s like Kanye said “In my past, you on the other side of the glass of my memory's museum,” All you are now is a relic. A piece of my history hidden behind the glass wall of my memories I can no longer touch you but, you have left an indelible mark on me. You have become immortalized in my dreams. You are the Phantom.
* Note to readers this piece is best read listening to the song “Sideways” by Citizens Cope*
So the summer is almost over. I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as I did.
With this season coming to a close a new one is emerging. You would think I am
talking about the fall but, I am talking about "Cuffing Season."
Men and women all across America will be entering into romantic
or semi-romantic relationships, to keep warm through the colder months. Urban Dictionary (2013) defines Cuffing Season
as: "During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally
rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the
world desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship.
The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely
and desperate to be cuffed."
Today I had the pleasure of chatting with one my guy friends from law school. I asked him, "What is a topic a man wants to read from a woman's perspective?" He responded with, "Why does a woman always try to change a man?" My friend said he sees woman trying to change a man. He said he noticed that woman want a guy that does not really exist. They want a smart thug that never went to prison. He has a lot of money,
all the free time in the world, and he never cheats. So what they do is settle for a thug and attempt to change him. Then when he does not change, they cry to everyone about how trifling he is. I could not agree more. I see it everyday. The news-feeds on my social networks are overrun with women complaining about their crappy guy and the poor sap trying to defend himself. I see it in movies and TV shows. Almost every genre of music there is a song about how the guy is a skeezeball and the woman should have known soon as she met him. With all of these stories why do so many women attempt the impossible? I turned to my Facebook friends for help. I asked them, "Can someone tell me why women try to change or fix a man? I would really like to know... Does it work?" Here is what they had to say on the matter: Laura Lala Kirkland: "Hell no it doesn't work." Pamela Fierro:"You can't change anyone." Michael Towns:"People change only when they want to and put the work in other then that nobody can change somebody that don't want to change." Jamie Helena:"A woman can't change a man because she loves him but a man can change if he loves her.. " Dexter SpeaksKnowledge: "It shouldn't be about change in the first place, it should be about compromise. You don't go into a relationship thinking what do I have to change about this person, with live its whether or not you accept the person for who they are, which makes them unique. Certain circumstances will reveal issues that require adjustment but please, you and me both know baby girl if you're messing with the right person you live their flaws as much as the positives. It can open up someone's mind to think outside of their comfort zone and try to balance as opposed to dominate someone's personality. Relationships aren't a dictatorship." Siobhan Ayers: "It took us all a very long time to know you can't change some one, and I don't know if it was ever about changing a person. I think it was more the thought of "they CAN change" and we just hoped we stuck around long enough to see it. A person won't change if they don't want too, which is a whole other lesson we all have to learn the hard way..." Svetlana Ince: "They are dumb as beans..., you can't and shouldn't want to change ppl and they can only fix or help themselves when they accept they have problems or issues and want help...." Although this is a small sample of people I think it was great one. The people who commented were all in their mid to late twenties, male and female, and came from various ethnic groups. While this is not a sociological or psychological research project, I think the conclusion is you cannot change a person and it's not even worth attempting. My personal stance is, I am not an advocate of trying to change someone unless they ask for help. I have also been the one several men have tried to change. I can honestly say I hated every second of it. It took a toll on my self-esteem. I personally like the way I am. I like that I am free-spirit and completely guided by my own desires. I like how I look overall. I am by no means stick thin and I do have a slightly protruding abdomen, but overall I find myself attractive. When a man decided he wanted to change how I dress, my weight, or the way I carry myself, I found that I would get depressed. I feel it was a leading cause of me cheating and looking elsewhere for love. In the beginning I tried to appease the guy because I cared about his feelings, but later I started to feel like I could find someone who wanted me the way I am. If I feel that way, a man must feel that way as well.
The best thing to do is make smarter choices. Make a list of must have qualities (that are within reason) and do not compromise on that list.Take your time getting to know the person before you give them your heart and/or your panties. If you see things in your relationship you do not like speak up. If the person is willing to change they will. If you see no change, then move on. You may have some lonely days and nights, but its better to be alone than deal with unnecessary drama and heartache. Well this is me signing off. Remember all isn't fair in love and war.
It has been a while since I wrote anything. I have been busy trying to get my life in order. I applied for a masters in science at CW Post. I got into the program to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. My focus will be relationship counseling. I have also been actively pursuing a better job, one that will look great on a resume and put money in my pocket that feels great. So that is a little update on my life. Now to get to the writing. This article may completely change how you view me. I realize that and accept it. So here goes...
The last week America has been in an uproar, especially the African-American community. The case of the State of Florida v. George Zimmerman has caused a lot of stress and division. As I look on my Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter I realize that many of the people I care for have vastly different views on this case. Some people feel it was a case on race and others feel it was self-defense. I have even read that the case should not have been tried because George Zimmerman followed the law to the letter. Everyone has an opinion and it seems everyone has become a lawyer.
To be honest I did not follow the case as closely as many people. I could not. I did not have the heart to do so. My heart was twisted in so many directions regarding this case. I am the mother of an African-American and Hispanic son. My child is only two but, I always fear for his future. As a black mother you do not just have to worry about your child getting good grades, going off to college and living the American dream. You have to worry about so much more. I wonder how he will fare being raised in a single parent home. Most times children raised in single parent homes face more struggles in lives. I worry if he will engage in nefarious activities and end up in prison. I worry if he will have a child before marriage. I do not believe many mothers from the paler ethnic groups have these same fears while raising their son.
marriage or contract an STD. I worry if he will be bullied. I worry what his sexual orientation will be. I gave him a name that was gender and ethnically ambiguous so that it will make it easier for him to get a job. The Zimmerman case now has me worried if he is walking down the street on a cold night in a decent neighborhood witha hoodie on, will someone mistake him for a criminal, attack, and shoot him?
Another issue that weighed on my mind is the racial climate of the south. As many of my readers know I went to law school last year in Louisiana. I found out in under a year, that it was not the place for me. The racial tension in the south is thick. I honestly find that both African-American and Caucasian-Americans hold prejudicial stereotypes against one another. I am a woman of mixed race which I found out is only something northerners care about. In the south if your skin is dark your black, that's it. You better know your place and stay in it. So when I read people's statements that this is not a race issue, I recall my own experiences, and I know that is entirely untrue. I also find it laughable that while Zimmerman clearly looks Hispanic, he identifies with being Caucasian. I also see that the whole brown bag test holds true down there. I have had to be in Sanford, Florida many times in my life. I am just glad to only have been passing through that very dark place. I also recall the comments of "Juror B37" She already had her mind made up about how she felt about the young black male walking through a white neighborhood. Her comments came off as Trayvon got what he deserved. I am not sure that is true based off the evidence that was presented. We honestly do not know what actually occurred that night and can only speculate on what led to Trayvon's final moments.
The way Mark O' Mara argued Zimmerman's case was beyond great. I honestly do not see how Zimmerman could have been convicted. He totally threw out the using "Stand Your Ground" as his defense and went with self-defense. The State did a poor job with everything. The Jury selection process showed they did not use any of their nullification powers. The Jury was of six people and a majority Caucasian females. I do not see how that equates to the jury of a Hispanic male in his late 20's peers. They presented evidence in a lackluster manner and did not even ask the real stirring and important questions of the witnesses. A lot of people have apparently enrolled in their nearest law schools in the last month. They think they know how the verdict should have been decided. I feel unless you have sat through 40 hours of 3-7 different actual law classes, and taken a 5 hour exams for said courses for at least a semester, you should really take a seat. Mark O' Mara argued the law in a fashion that Florida State should be proud of. Clearly the gazillion hours he spent in their law libraries and on LexisNexis and WestLaw paid off. I personally find Zimmerman to be a total douche, but I do believe that in this case the law prevailed. I do truly hope that the Martin family can find justice in a civil court or that Attorney General Eric Holder will take a bit more action than confiscating Zimmerman's gun.
Please enjoy this song about ending gun Violence Directed By Kraze of Industry Muscle and Performed by Melly Mel a Rapper from Long Island, NY.......
Well this me signing of.... Remember all isn't fair in love and war!
Ladies and gents, have you ever dated an Ass Hat? The odds are you have or at least met one on your romantic journey. The Urban Dictionary defines an Ass Hat as, "A close cousin of the Ass-clown, typically identified by a jovial
expression and an outward misunderstanding of how he/she is perceived,
combined with a generally misguided conception of what is sociably
acceptable amongst his/her fellow peers." Now that you have been informed...its time to tell my tale.
About two weeks during a video shoot for My best friend Gia, I met a young man that I will refer to as Larry Goldwitz. He was actually invited by me to be in the video as an extra, He belonged to a trio one of whom was a mutual friend. Our mutual friend thought it would be a good idea for us to link on a non-professional manner. To be honest he was not someone I would notice at first, second or third glance, but my close guy friend said it was a good look and I did not think he would steer me wrong.
During the shoot we chatted one another up.I began to realize he had a nice personality and we had a lot in common. We exchanged numbers and I figured well at least we could be friends if anything. Near the end of the shoot we discussed catching a Iron Man 3.
At this point the story picks up and hits full speed, I am going to speed through most of it and get to the pure Ass Hatness of it all. We did end up seeing that movie and had a great time getting to know one another after. We hung out and went on several dates over the course of two weeks. On two of the occasions, I got to see a shooting star fly across the sky, while I was in his presence. All in all I was content.
I kind of wish life had a soundtrack. Like it played different melodies to let you know when things are about to go south. I believe my melody would have changed the day he introduced me to his mom.
I thought it was nice gesture and it made me feel less uncomfortable being at his house. That day was actually a pretty good one. He took me to breakfast that morning and dinner in the city. I think the Jaws music would have started playing when he asked me a seemingly innocent question.... On our way to Manhattan he asked me if I saw him as my boyfriend in the future. My palms got sweaty and my mouth got dry, but in my head I was thinking I do not want to come off as a player, or acting like a dude (this side of me will be discussed in another post). I told him that I could see it in the future. That was a true answer but my mental time frame was really 3 to 6 months from now. It's also a big enough time frame for me to meet someone I actually like better or find more appealing. I mean he seemed a really nice and sweet guy and if things stayed easy for a good amount of time maybe. He quickly responded saying that he felt the same about me.
Things were moving at a decent pace. I would hang out with him part of the day and my friends and family the other parts. As a matter of fact he even stated that he had an "Open Door Policy," with me. That he liked how I went out and did my thing, but always came back to him.
In my head I figured this was not going to last long, because things like this never do. I did want it to end nicely though, where we could be friends and have fond memories of one another. I also did not want any drama because my friend had kind of hooked us up and I did not want it falling on him.
Basically by the Sunday of our second week hanging out, things took a turn for the worst.
We saw Star Trek and went to dinner. During dinner he ask me what we were doing and I said dating. He asked me what that meant. I really wanted to say that we when go out I am not paying for diddly-do. What I actually said was that we were getting to know each other better hanging out and seeing where it leads. After dinner, We went to his place had wine and were listening to music. Out of the clear blue he decides to blurt out, that he does not want a relationship. After he says that he proceeded to try jump my bones.
I was like WTF?! I was not upset that he did not want a relationship, but how does someone say that after all the events I just relayed, and then tries to sleep with me. Was he kidding me? I was to tipsy to drive, so I slept it off and left the next day. That morning I did not say much to him. What was there to say? He called me and apologized and gave me some weak ass explanation for his behavior. The woman in me accepted it and invited him to see another good friend mine perform at the Blue Note in Manhattan. He accepted stating how he wanted to spend time with me and did not like the idea of me being mad at him.
Earlier I stated how I did not want any drama or my homeboy involved in this mess. Well basically When Larry felt I was slipping through his fingers, he got in contact with my friend letting him know what had transpired. My friend called me on the way to the city to see if I was alright. I was freaking mad. I felt like a line had been crossed one that I would never have crossed. Things honestly just died that day.
The day after we went to the city my friend felt Larry and I should talk. Larry told me he would be getting back from work in the city around 10:30 and asked for a ride from the train. I agreed to the task. Every twenty minutes, he text me he was catching the next train. I ended up picking him up from the train station at after 1 am. I was extremely annoyed. He does not live anywhere near me, it was late, and I had to be to work by 9 am. We did end up having a conversation and it left me extremely confused. In one breathe he told me he was pushing me away because I was a great match for him and he did not want to be with anyone again ( he was engaged to an evil woman in the past and now needed time to heal). In the other breathe he was telling me how he missed me, did not want me mad, and was kissing me.
I told my friend the next morning what happened and he was basically confused as well. over the course of the next three days I tried to link with Larry. He would make plans with me early in the day around lunch time and by the time I got off of work, he would cancel. The worst had to be Saturday.
At 1pm that day we made plans to hang out at his house around 7:30. At 4pm he tells me he is in Mount Vernon recording at a studio and that he has to go to the city and New Jersey. I asked him three times if he was cancelling and he never responded. I told my homeboy what was going on. Around 9pm I call him to talk and he does not answer but hits me up with a text letting me know he is working. Then he hits me with the "this is how feelings getting involved." At this point I am furious. I have no feelings for this guy. I basically liked one thing about him and if that was being cut-off there was no point in us communicating. I relayed more of what was going on to my friend and he told me he was going to ask him what was going on. I said to him, are you going to call him. He told me no that he was going to stop by. I did not see how that was possible if the guy was in Manhattan or New Jersey, or Mount Vernon. My friend told me he was at his house. Imagine the shock on my face.
The first time in my life someone had made my jaw drop.
Larry and I ended up texting each other. He basically told me he had some stuff to explain and not to be mad at him. He told me that my friend came by to see him. I said really where in Jersey, Mt. Vernon, or Manhattan? He said no my house. I acted as if I knew nothing, it seemed the best approach to me. I honestly do not need an explanation for a lie.
I basically felt that this story needed to be told. I know I am not the only one who has gone through something like this. I should have taken note of the cues this guy was an Ass Hat and run for my life. He gave off clear clues. He was not very truthful, had his head stuck up his ass, he had way too much drama in his life, did not seem to have a center, and did not respect the time of others. He did all this fronting like he was not actually this way.
Ladies and Gents once you realize someone is an Ass Hat, do not walk but Runaway. I wish that Runaway by Kanye West had started playing as my soundtrack . Signing off now and remember all isn't fair in love and war.
Mother's Day is such a painful holiday for me. I am sure it is for a lot of single mothers. This is the day of the year I realize most how alone I am in raising children.
I know it's a day women are supposed to be celebrated for all the sacrifices they made. We sacrificed our bodies to become mothers, whether we wanted to have a baby or not. I was 15 when I made that sacrifice the first time. I chose to skip planned parenthood and lie in the bed that I made for myself. I made that decision again at 23. The second time not only did I sacrifice my body, I sacrificed my dreams. I knew that having another child and graduating college would be difficult and law school seemed no longer in reach. Choosing to be a single mom you give up so much. Your freedom, your heart, having a complete family one day.
People like to tell me well there is still hope for you Sam. You only have two kids, you have a degree, your smart, and beautiful. Someone is definitely going go snatch you up, you might have to lower your standards though. That's what got me in the situation I am in now, lowering my standards. My standards were so low that the men I have children with, do not even call or text me happy Mother's Day.
The first moved to Arizona while our child was young and recently had another child. The other just likes chasing women so much he has convinced himself our son does not need his mother just him. He will find a replacement and hopefully cut me out.
It is what it is though! I do want to wish the mothers out there who feel lost and unappreciated a happy Mother's Day! I see your value even if no one else does. To the mothers who are loved and revered by their partners and family God bless you and I pray he continues to show you favor. That's all for now.... Remember all isn't fair in love and war.
A few days ago someone sent me this song. It was like someone smacked me in the face. I am not a huge Drake fan, but sometimes he puts out a track that truly resonates with me. This song made me think about how much I have changed mentally in the last year. I'm sure my friends and family will say I am still the same girl. In my mind, that's where the problem lies. I am not a girl anymore I am woman. I have evolved. Right now I feel as if I am at some kind of crossroads.
I think it's hard for people to rationalize this idea of me a as a woman. It is hard for me to rationalize it. This may have something to do with my age. Someone said to me recently 25 is a confusing age. You are in the middle of young adult and full adult. You still want to party all night but, know you have to clock into work at 9 am. You can no longer spend all your money on popping bottles, because you now have to decide whether your going to start your 401K or a an IRA, if not both. You realize you can't just play the field forever you actually need someone to help you build your empire. Yet most of us are just thinking at 25. Taking baby steps towards maturity because we cannot seem to let the freedom from our youth go. As a matter of fact we are in revolt of letting it go. I do want to hold on to it a little longer I am ashamed to say it. Especially since I am a mother of two, I have a degree, and I work in the corporate office of a well known company.
As of today there are only 30 days left of being 25. I realize I need to use these next few years to make myself a noteworthy person. It's time to make myself a brand and build and empire. I know exactly who I want to be I just don't know how to get there. I took a baby step into law school and then I left. I decided to take a year off. I need to use this year to set the stage for the rest of my life. My initial idea was to just come home and party, but as soon as I got home I went into the shadows. I just focused on getting a job and getting in shape. Once I felt I was in a comfortable place, I started hitting my friends up to revive me. They have all helped me get my motivation back one way or another. I also started making some new friends. People that inspire me and speak life into me. They are little older and definitely wiser. I also spend a lot more time at home underneath my mom and dad. To some that may be strange, but I feel as if there are things I need to learn from the right now. I have also been trying to find my spirituality. I was raised in the church, but I need to make firm decision on what I really believe. I also would not mind meeting someone to walk the rest of this journey with, trust me another warm body is great to have on a cold night.... I mean that metaphorically by the way!
If you listened to the song, and wondered how it led to me writing an article on life I'll explain. Drake is talking about a woman and we all know life is a bitch! On a serious note though, there is nothing more inspiring then hearing a person in your peer group express what you are going through. He talks about growing up in this song. He expresses his fear of commitment in relationships, reminisces about the fun of his youth, and talks about how it is time change his thinking. Also the girl he is having the conversation with sounds like the one I used to be. As 25 comes to a close It's time for me to leave that girl behind and become The woman of my dreams.
Time for me to go...Enjoy the track and remember... All isn't fair in love and war!
An original short story by Le Me!!! Remember all isn't fair in love and war.
“Ahh man!” “Not again!” “What time is it?” I look for my phone under a pile of sheets, and there is no sign of it. I see the sunlight peeking through the shades. Damn I slept over. I finally hear Don Omar’s Danza Kuduro coming from my phone. It’s my mother I know she is wondering where I am. I’ll just shoot her a text with some vague story. I am 24 years old. Ever since I moved back home she can’t seem to keep the leash off. I check the time its 6:45 am. “Ugggghhhh!!!” I have to get out of here this just won’t do.
I look at the guy lying next to me. I can barely remember his name or what I’m even doing here. It must not be worth remembering. I look and see what the package looks like that I unwrapped to quickly. He appears to be about 6 feet tall, thin and slightly muscular. His skin tone is pretty ambiguous. It falls somewhere between light skin and dark skin. He has wavy hair, brown eyes, and full soft lips. He is of average looks, not too ugly but not exactly handsome. I call this type the usual. It’s the type that if I was at a bar I frequented, I would say, “Hey bartender, give me the usual!” and he would hand me one of these guys.
This has become the weekend routine. Every weekend for the last few months I’m here with a guy I have no intentions of really getting to know. He is just a guy to pass the time with. Someone to keep me busy during study breaks and moments of monotony. I know I should not be here. Actually I just don’t want to be here. It’s time to go! I just have to figure out how to untangle myself from these legs and arms.
I begin to writhe and wiggle myself free. I have to go potty really bad. He must to because I definitely smelled something funny come from his backdoor region. Now I really have to get out of here. He finally stirs from all my movement and give’s me that “Leaving so soon look?” The stare that always indicates he wants another round of whatever hot and sweaty fiasco we got ourselves into the night before. That’s the moment I realize he drove.
I rack my brain for this weeks excuse. He already knows my son is at his fathers. What’s a good one? Here we go! “ I have a job interview at 10 am. I better hurry home sorry.” I give him the cutie and pouty I’m sorry lip.
He says, “It’s ok sweetie there is always next time!” I giggle and smile knowing good and damn well there will never be a next time. He stands and gets dressed. I look at his abdomen and watch the v-shape lead to the place all women wonder about when we first meet a man. Maybe there will be a next time. Damn he just caught me staring. I look away as fast as I can.
We hop into his ridiculously sub-par whip. He starts to ask me my plans for the week. I give him the basics. I have to study spend time with the kids and so on and so forth. He asks if I can squeeze him in my busy schedule. I hit him with a sexy grin and a maybe. He pulls up to my crib. I kiss him on the cheek goodbye. I really wanted to give him a handshake but the ice queen role was so 2008. I get out of the car and walk to the door. He is already gone before I get the key out. I guess chivalry really is dead.
I walk inside and smell that familiar aroma of my home. I strip my clothes off and hop under my covers. My door opens slightly and my slinky tabby cat hops on my bed next to me. I have a few more hours until little man comes home. It’s 9 am and my phone starts buzzing back to back. It’s him and all the others. Asking me the same question in various forms. All starting with words like baby girl, light skin, and sexy. They all feel entitled in some way I guess. I make tentative dates with each one all the while planning to cancel the day of. I just don’t feel like leaving the comfort of my home sweet home.
Spring is finally here! This had to be one of the craziest winters in New York. We dealt with Super-storm Sandy and unfortunately we found Nemo. Now it is time to shed the North Faces, Uggs, and dreary colors, for sun dresses, sandals, and bright colors. People are getting over cabin fever and men get to enjoy the view that shorter hemlines afford them.
Spring is also the time flowers bloom, and with that so do new relationships. The one I will talk about today is the infamous friends with benefits (FWB) relationship. Urban Dictionary (2013) defines friends with benefits as, "A healthy, fun sexual relationship between two people...... Until one falls for the other, The friendship blows to pieces. And those two people find themselves worse off than they were before." This is the best definition of the relationship that I have ever heard. There are a lot of men and women out there that think this relationship is healthy but let me tell you from experience it is not.
In November of 2010 I broke up with my son's father and vowed not to enter another committed relationship for two years. My goals were to focus on my children, school, getting in shape, and traveling. With all that on my plate I did not have time to make a man a priority.
In July of 2011, I went to study study art in Spain. While I was there, I stayed in contact with family and friends, using Skype and Facebook. One night, after drinking some great tasting Spanish wine and partying with new friends, I got a message on Facebook from a man. Well this was not just any man, it was my childhood crush. He had a proposition for me. He wanted to have a FWB relationship. It made me feel like I was in the movie "Indecent Proposal." It had been several months since I had been with anyone and he was offering me all the benefits of a relationship but, I had the ability to still live my life the way I saw fit. I could go where ever I wanted, when I wanted, and with whom I wanted. I mulled the idea over with some guy and girl friends, they all thought it was a go.
On my last night in Spain I responded to the young man. To respect his privacy I will refer to him as Martin. I told Martin I was down and we promptly set-up a date to hang-out. Our first encounter started with a risque game of strip poker. I lost as expected.... This one hot night led to a 9 month torrid affair.
While I enjoyed all the affection, the dates, and attention, something about this relationship just never felt right. During our time together, he never dated anyone else (so he says) however, I did. I traveled, partied, modeled, hell I even did a music video (which he picked me up from). I started to feel a sense of guilt, which led me to believe I was falling for him. Truth be told the more I got to know him, the less I wanted a relationship. It actually turned me off more to the idea.
As time progressed I began to prepare for graduation from undergrad and applying to law schools. Out of the 16 schools I applied to 3 were in NY and I got into 2 of them. I still chose to go outside of the state. I accepted a scholarship to LSU and left. That is not something one does when they feel attached to someone.
I know that based off this brief description of the relationship it does not sound that bad. I feel as if I need to go a little deeper, so I am going to describe how it felt emotionally.
Since Martin was my childhood crush, the situation started with pre-existing feelings. We went from texting once in a while to spending hours on the phone. He paid every time we went out. We shared secrets and intimate details of our lives. We showed one another affection in public. We had feelings for one another but, I wanted to move, and he did not want to be with a woman with children.
Another consequence of the relationship is jealousy. I never felt it but he expressed it. He made little comments about me dating other guys and doing my thing. I also feel that since feelings were involved we would get into fights over silly things and not speak for weeks. Some of the things that were said were hurtful on both parts.
I also felt cheap. I mean what man is going to buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free. I did not like living like that. If I was going to engage in activity with anyone, I wanted it to be meaningful. An experience we shared because we both cared deeply for one another. In this case it was not. It was just two people that should have been friends, and only friends, in a pseudo-relationship.
All in all it felt like I had boyfriend. People in our neighborhood viewed us as a couple, and whether we like to admit it or not; if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, its a duck!
The relationship ended in March of 2012, with a major falling out. We did not speak for 6 months and when we started speaking again it felt awkward. We hung out recently and I found myself about to fall in the same trap. There is a level of comfort and a false sense of stability that an FWB relationship provides. I know I can get from him what I desire of a man even though he is not my man, and he knows he can get the same from me.
I did tell him I felt it was an unhealthy relationship and it caused more hurt than good. He still believes that because he said he wanted XYZ, I should not feel hurt at all. That is what it always boils down to the delusion of it all. No matter what each partner in the situation says it becomes confusing and complicated. The lines always get blurred. People do not realize one partner really wants it to go further while the other wants to play the field. It very rarely turns into a committed relationship, the parties involved do not usually stay true friends, and it hardly ends without leaving battle scars. My advice is do not do it and if you do, don't make it a lifestyle. It is a trap! Either live the single life or be in a relationship, straddling both fences only leads to trouble. Well this is me signing off. Remember all isn't fair in love and War!
Most of my articles are social commentary on relationships, but today's article is about humanity. This one is in regards to, the tragic events that are happening in Boston right now and all the devastation that has occurred. This is the War side!
I am heartbroken by the events that took place in Boston these last few hours. The tragedies that occurred today
truly sickens me! People are already pointing blame and rightfully so. When your country has been taking blow by blow, we want answers. Some will blame Islamics, the government, God, guns, even the federal reserve. For me it just makes the Hobbesian philosophy that, man is evil by nature, ring true. Whoever did this for whatever reason was truly wicked.
You have to be truly evil to cause this type of damage. I mean the lives that are lost, the people that suffered life altering injuries. The victims will have to deal with this trauma for the rest of those lives, the mental and physical anguish. The cost to repair a beautiful city.
This was not something foreseeable to the extent that it happened. It's sad that our country cannot enjoy an event without people fearing for their lives the whole time. I do not feel any extra precautions could have been taken. This is was planned for months and executed with great precision. Based off the fact the next bomb went off at JFK Library, these people wanted to cripple our nation.
The Boston Marathon has been a staple event for 116 years. People from all over the world come to take place in this amazing event. Whether it is for glory or just for the love of running this race has a special place in America's heart. The race also helps the economy of Boston and Massachusetts. The hotels are filled with guest, the restaurants, stores, and attractions get an even greater amount of patronage. In 2011, Baa.org estimated that, $133.2 million dollars would be injected into Boston's economy due to the Marathon. This shows me that who ever did this wanted to destroy the city inside and out. I do not believe this was the job of someone who just wanted to make a name for themselves.
I don't know what to think, but all I can do is pray and hug my loved ones a little tighter. We never know when our last day is. I just don't want to have to live in fear all the time. I really don't but what choice do I have. I rush to kiss my daughter goodbye every morning because I do not know if someone will shoot up or bomb her school. I worry about family when they get on a plane. We don't even let them leave without making sure we say a prayer. I cannot truly enjoy a concert or major sporting event without looking over my shoulder for someone suspicious. I worry at the movie theater when I should be able to enjoy the latest action movie. I am worried that when my teenage siblings are out, they may get shot, for playing their music a little too loud in the parking lot. I worry that my little boy may be walking down the street, on a cold day wearing a hoodie and some nut job will shoot him.
This incidents makes me feel paranoid but in a justified way! I am going to leave off with a quote from the 1976 movie "The Network," because it truly embodies what I feel at this moment:
"I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work, or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild, and there’s nobody anywhere who knows what to do and there’s no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. We sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad. Worse than bad. They’re crazy.
It’s like everything, everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out any more. We sit in the house, and the world we live in is getting smaller. All we say is “Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.” Well, I’m not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot. I don”t want you to write to your congressman, because I don’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression, the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street.
All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad! You’ve gotta say “I’m a human being, goddammit! My life has value!” So… I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it and stick your head out and yell “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this any more!”
I love my e-mail it is always loaded with goodies. This Thursday for instance I got a VIB reward from Sephora! Filled with utter joy I bolted out of work and to Walt Whitman mall. I figured while I am there, and spending my hard earned money, I might as well window shop. As I was walking,I passed by the "Me Ality" booth and a handsome young man asked me to come try it out. I had already done it a few weeks ago and while the salesmen was handsome he still looked wet behind the ears. But I can't resist chatting with new people so I engaged in some interesting dialogue with him and his Co-workers. They all looked good!!! I know bad! While I was there I realized I had monopolized their time and went on my way to the gym.
Later that evening I went to T.G.I Friday's with my best friend Gia a former video model. While we were there I let her know that besides from salesmen, men hardly ever approach me to talk. I am not a bad looking female, and a guy friend told me that, a man will always have a conversation with a pretty girl. I have found this to be false 56% of the time. I go out most weekends. I am well rounded person. I can be found at a Mets game or the hot new lounge, but where ever I am, I notice that men look and don't say hi. As a young woman opening herself up to dating this frustrates me to know end. It was even happening that night sitting at the bar at Fridays.
When I ask my friends and family why men do not approach me I always get the same answer. They are intimated by you. I am always blown by this response because I am a rather social being. I am attractive but I am no Beyonce. I look like the typical girl next door. During the day I am typically dressed down, jeans and sneakers or flats. I do wear labels but aside from my purses they are not easily identifiable. I will admit I do not always smile. I typically am deep in thought (lol how else would I come up with such interesting post) and on the move. I think it would be nice if just once a man says hello, how are you?
Friday night I went out to a club, I'll even post a pic just so you can see how I looked. Not one man approached but they talked to my friends. I danced on the floor all night on my lonesome. I was pretty disappointed but, I have grown used to this over the years. Whether I am at a church event, a social gathering, or Starbucks; I rarely ever get approached. If a man does say hello he is usually white ( I do not discriminate all are welcome to say howdy!) I just wonder what makes the brothers keep on walking and approach a less attractive female with horrible taste.
So today I found myself at the mall again shopping at Sephora. Hey its a weekend long coupon! I saw the cute guys from the "Me-ality" booth and they chatted me up some more. I also do not turn down conversations with attractive men. I boldly asked them their opinion on the matter. They responses they gave were great I'll list them.
1. You are intimidating.
2. You seem confident and sure of yourself, that makes men nervous.
3. You are pretty guys know realistically where they rank and want a girl no more than two places ahead of themselves. So if they see themselves as a 4 they are not going to approach anything they find higher than a 6.
4. You seem as if you know what you want guys are used to girls who don't know what they want. Whether it's the flavor of ice cream to which movie they would like to see.
5. You are a guy's girl.... translation- I think to much like a dude.
6. Maybe you do not show you are approachable, by making eye contact and flicking your hair, so he knows to approach.
7. You do not seem like you know how to flirt.
The greatest part was these answers came from men between the ages of 19-28. They are from Long Island. They either held a degree or were in progress and They were black, Hispanic, and Indian. One guy was gay. I think that the answers I got from such a variety of men may be helpful in changing how I acquire a potential mate. I will probably never let go of my Micheal Kors bag, but I can definitely smile more and flick my hair. Well no time to try it like today for all those women out there who have been wondering the same thing as I have been. Ladies if you are ever in Walt Whitman Mall, stop at the "Me-Ality" Booth. Not only will you be able to learn the perfect fit for all the clothing at the mall, but you just might meet one of the cute salesmen.
As a women in her mid-twenties, dating can get very tricky. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who is truly interested in having a future with you, from the one trying to get between you and your 7 For All Mankinds.
There is one guy out there whose intentions will never be misinterpreted. He finds you beautiful, sexy, intelligent and ambitious. In his eyes you can barely do any wrong and he will wife you In a heartbeat. He will do anything for you at moments notice. He will trim the hedges, cook dinner, and give you a foot massage. He will shower you with compliments and gifts.
While many of you are reading this and thinking I want one just like that. BUYER BEWARE!!!!! He is not what you think. He is what is known as the Stage 5 Clinger or what Beyonce affectionately calls him the Bug-A-boo!
This man will hunt you for years. Waiting for the moment when a man or multiple men break your heart. He will like every picture on your Facebook and Instagram. He follows you on every social medium and may even show up to the bar you tagged you and your friends at. He will text you several times a month even if you constantly ignore him or give him one word responses with hours of space in between.
He knows all of your ex's by name and license plate. If he see's your husband, boyfriend, ex, or baby's daddy out at the club, he will alert you immediately. He will tell you everything down to the color of fake Red Bottoms the girl was wearing that was grinding all over him.
He lurks in the corners waiting for you to air your unhappiness on Facebook so he can swoop in like Captain Save'Em.
But women hold your ground, it is much better to ignore this type of man then to cave in. Heaven forbid you have sex with him. He will never stop calling.
I recently into the trap! I let a guy who has been trying to date me since I was 20, take me out on 3 separate occasions. My loneliness got the best of me. He wooed me with his kind words and promises. All the while I knew I did not want to have a single intimate moment with this man everything about him irritated me when we were together. I did not like his views on life. His voice annoyed me and he had a sort of fishy smell. The though of kissing him made me gag. I did and indeed I gagged! He would call when I was asleep 3x in a row and if I did wake up and answer, he demanded I stay up and talk to him! No way Jose (not his name) I need my beauty sleep!
I tried to get past it but just could not. Our very last date was a disaster. That night I politely told him I was only interested in friendship. For twenty-four hours he argued with me back and forth about how I should give him a chance. I just could not. No matter how polite I was about it he would not take no for answer. At the end he basically told me he was doing me a favor by dating me. I finally gave him an earful. The end result being lose my number. About three days later he text me some information on law schools (which I already knew). I did not respond but it clearly showed me he did not respect my wishes!
While this is one of my many stories of Stage 5 clingers.. Heed my advice and don't walk... RUN!
Please share your Stories men and women. Until tomorrow for more Sam's Law Love and War!!
So for the past few weeks I have slowly been reading the Laws of Attraction by Jerry and Ester Hicks and their spirit guide Abraham. Now some people may say, "Why is a girl raised in the church reading a novel like that?" Well to answer that being raised in the church has taught me to get understanding. There is even a scripture on that. So I decided to investigate why we attract the things we do in life from illness to love to money. There is a whole gambit of stuff that we attract to ourselves every second of the day. The book focuses on thinking on things that we want out of life. Which is also a biblical ideology. While there are some things that definitely conflict with my beliefs, most of it fits right in. Which leads me to my little rant for the day.
I have come to realize we live in a world of doubt. We doubt ourselves continually and others doubt us as well. For instance I want to get married one day. While society says at my age that's something that should be far from my mind, I disagree. I am already a mother, I'm educated, have traveled to different countries and have spent several years living on my own. I am really good on that whole sowing your wild oats business (I have 2 kids, ill keep the rest of my oats to myself.)
Many of my friends as well as others in my peer group tend to refrain from getting in committed relationships. They turn to "hooking up" with strangers or stringing along a partner with title of "friends with benefits" (FWB). While these isolated tryst maybe fun at first, most of the time they come with complications.I personally would rather avoid that.
Anyways, with that being said the book states I should be upfront with what I want in life. Whether its love, a new job, more money, or even the newest Gucci Boston bag. That I should claim my desires no matter what anyone says and train my thoughts to believe them into existence.
This will be the way I live no matter what anyone has to say about my desires. If your not on board with me get off my bus and hitchhike to wherever you have to go...
So I basically wanted to introduce myself as a new blogger for "Off The Corner." I'm a 25 year old female college grad from Long Island, New York. I am also a mother trying to make head or tails of life. I have a Bachelors Degree in Psychology and have also taken Law classes at LSU. Yes Sam Law is also my name lol! I thought it be a great idea to introduce myself before I just started posting stuff on here so you can understand my views a little more. So welcome to my little corner on the page I hope you enjoy!
To be honest I did not follow the case as closely as many people. I could not. I did not have the heart to do so. My heart was twisted in so many directions regarding this case. I am the mother of an African-American and Hispanic son. My child is only two but, I always fear for his future. As a black mother you do not just have to worry about your child getting good grades, going off to college and living the American dream. You have to worry about so much more. I wonder how he will fare being raised in a single parent home. Most times children raised in single parent homes face more struggles in lives. I worry if he will engage in nefarious activities and end up in prison. I worry if he will have a child before marriage. I do not believe many mothers from the paler ethnic groups have these same fears while raising their son.
Spring is finally here! This had to be one of the craziest winters in New York. We dealt with Super-storm Sandy and unfortunately we found Nemo. Now it is time to shed the North Faces, Uggs, and dreary colors, for sun dresses, sandals, and bright colors. People are getting over cabin fever and men get to enjoy the view that shorter hemlines afford them.
