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Thursday, January 30, 2014

I'm Backkkkkkk!!!!!/The Phantom

It's been a minute since I have written anything. I got real caught up with school, work, family, and a relationship. I feel like I missed out on so much as 2013 came to a close. I  started co-hosting an awesome Underground hip-hop radio show, on Mixbully.com, known as DourHour Radio. I was really upset to have to put these two aside. The blog and the show were important to me. I was heartbroken to have to fall back from it.I had so much going on and so little time. This semester I decided to slow it down a bit. While I will be taking more classes, I also promise I will make time for things that are important to me.


Today I am not going to post one of my witty articles many of you have grown to love, but a little glimpse into my psyche. This little story has to do with a relationship that had a huge impact on my life. I know a lot of times we do not like to admit that we let someone have such power over us, but as you all know, I am not afraid to go there. It might even be therapeutic for me to let you guys read it.

so here it goes and remember all isn't fair in love and war...         




I hate these dreams. The ones you wake up from that feel so real. The ones that you know are memories that lay hidden in the recesses of my mind; they are reminders of the phantom pieces of my heart. The part that got lost when they walked away. I hate these dreams they make me feel sideways. In them I am lost in the desires of my heart. I come to realizing that it was all imagined. We didn’t just have a stroll in the park. We didn’t just laugh until our cheeks hurt. You did not just kiss me tenderly as I feel asleep in your arms and tell me you love me.  I woke up to empty arms and a cold bed. You were never there you haven’t been there for years.

I try frantically to fall asleep again. Hoping maybe I can will that dream to come back, so I can have you again for a moment longer. The ghost of you in my dreams is all I have left now.  You are gone. I know that every time I wake from them. The wake up hurts as much as the break-up.

The wake up reminds me of why you left. I can hear you voice so clearly. “ I am not happy, being with you does not make me happy,” I know that it’s true. I saw it in your eyes months before you even uttered those words. It still did not stop me from saying, “I thought you loved me and you said you were never going to leave me and you were always going to be there for me.”  With no emotion at all you say, “When was the last time I said those things?” It is not really a question but a command from you to me. A command that forces me to rack my brain and realize that was months ago before your eyes showed me something different.

No matter where I run.  From arm to arm, state-to-state, and continent-to-continent, I can’t escape these dreams. I can’t escape the memory of you. It’s like Kanye said “In my past, you on the other side of the glass of my memory's museum,” All you are now is a relic. A piece of my history hidden behind the glass wall of my memories I can no longer touch you but, you have left an indelible mark on me.  You have become immortalized in my dreams. You are the Phantom.




* Note to readers this piece is best read listening to the song “Sideways” by Citizens Cope*


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