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Sunday, July 28, 2013

A Tiger Can't Change His Stripes: Why Trying to Change a Man is an Epic Fail.



Today I had the pleasure of chatting with one my guy friends from law school.

I asked him, "What is a topic a man wants to read from a woman's perspective?"

He responded with, "Why does a woman always try to change a man?"

My friend said he sees woman trying to change a man. He said he noticed that woman want a guy that does not really exist. They want a smart thug that never went to prison. He has a lot of money,
all the free time in the world, and he never cheats. So what they do is settle for a thug and attempt to change him. Then when he does not change, they cry to everyone about how trifling he is. I could not agree more. I see it everyday. The news-feeds on my social networks are overrun with women complaining about their crappy guy and the poor sap trying to defend himself. I see it in movies and TV shows. Almost every genre of music there is a song about how the guy is a skeezeball and the woman should have known soon as she met him.

With all of these stories why do so many women attempt the impossible? I turned to my Facebook friends for help. I asked them, "Can someone tell me why women try to change or fix a man? I would really like to know... Does it work?"
Here is what they had to say on the matter: 


Laura Lala Kirkland: "Hell no it doesn't work."

Pamela Fierro: "You can't change anyone."

Michael Towns: "People change only when they want to and put the work in other then that nobody can change somebody that don't want to change."

Jamie Helena: "A woman can't change a man because she loves him but a man can change if he loves her.. "

Dexter SpeaksKnowledge: "It shouldn't be about change in the first place, it should be about compromise. You don't go into a relationship thinking what do I have to change about this person, with live its whether or not you accept the person for who they are, which makes them unique. Certain circumstances will reveal issues that require adjustment but please, you and me both know baby girl if you're messing with the right person you live their flaws as much as the positives. It can open up someone's mind to think outside of their comfort zone and try to balance as opposed to dominate someone's personality. Relationships aren't a dictatorship."

Siobhan Ayers: "It took us all a very long time to know you can't change some one, and I don't know if it was ever about changing a person. I think it was more the thought of "they CAN change" and we just hoped we stuck around long enough to see it. A person won't change if they don't want too, which is a whole other lesson we all have to learn the hard way..."

Svetlana Ince: "They are dumb as beans..., you can't and shouldn't want to change ppl and they can only fix or help themselves when they accept they have problems or issues and want help...."
 
Although this is a small sample of people I think it was great one. The people who commented were all in their mid to late twenties, male and female, and came from various ethnic groups. While this is not a sociological or psychological research project, I think the conclusion is you cannot change a person and it's not even worth attempting.

My personal stance is, I am not an advocate of trying to change someone unless they ask for help. I have also been the one several men have tried to change. I can honestly say I hated every second of it. It took a toll on my self-esteem. I personally like the way I am. I like that I am free-spirit and completely guided by my own desires. I like how I look overall. I am by no means stick thin and I do have a slightly protruding abdomen, but overall I find myself attractive. When a man decided he wanted to change how I dress, my weight, or the way I carry myself, I found that I would get depressed. I feel it was a leading cause of me cheating and looking elsewhere for love. In the beginning I tried to appease the guy because I cared about his feelings, but later I started to feel like I could find someone who wanted me the way I am. If I feel that way, a man must feel that way as well.
The best thing to do is make smarter choices.  Make a list of must have qualities (that are within reason) and do not compromise on that list.Take your time getting to know the person before you give them your heart and/or your panties. If you see things in your relationship you do not like speak up. If the person is willing to change they will. If you see no change, then move on. You may have some lonely days and nights, but its better to be alone than deal with unnecessary drama and heartache.
Well this is me signing off. Remember all isn't fair in love and war.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mothers Day!

Mother's Day is such a painful holiday for me. I am sure it is for a lot of single mothers. This is the day of the year I realize most how alone I am in raising children.

I know it's a day women are supposed to be celebrated for all the sacrifices they made. We sacrificed our bodies to become mothers, whether we wanted to have a baby or not. I was 15 when I made that sacrifice the first time. I chose to skip planned parenthood and lie in the bed that I made for myself. I made that decision again at 23. The second time not only did I sacrifice my body, I sacrificed my dreams. I knew that having another child and graduating college would be difficult and law school seemed no longer in reach. Choosing to be a single mom you give up so much. Your freedom, your heart, having a complete family one day.

People like to tell me well there is still hope for you Sam. You only have two kids, you have a degree, your smart, and beautiful. Someone is definitely going go snatch you up, you might have to lower your standards though. That's what got me in the situation I am in now, lowering my standards. My standards were so low that the men I have children with, do not even call or text me happy Mother's Day.

The first moved to Arizona while our child was young and recently had another child. The other just likes chasing women so much he has convinced himself our son does not need his mother just him. He will find a replacement and hopefully cut me out.

It is what it is though! I do want to wish the mothers out there who feel lost and unappreciated a happy Mother's Day! I see your value even if no one else does. To the mothers who are loved and revered by their partners and family God bless you and I pray he continues to show you favor. That's all for now.... Remember all isn't fair in love and war.



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