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Friday, February 14, 2014

What to Wear on Valentines Day by Fashionista: Athena Thomas

Valentine's Day is just a few days away. If you have special plans with your honey for the night you may be wondering what to wear. Some people go the super sexy route, which isn't bad if that's your thing. But how can you pull off sexy without being too sexy?

In my opinion being too sexy would be wearing something that leaves nothing left for the imagination. Being sexy depends on the person. You can feel sexy in a pair of jeans, heels, and a blouse. Or you can feel sexy in a nice dress and heels.

Since Valentine's Day is associated with red and pink, why not incorporate it into your wardrobe for the day. Add some key accessories to your look such as rings, earrings, and a fab clutch and you have pulled off the perfect outfit.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Let The Cuffing Games Begins! May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor!

So the summer is almost over. I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as I did. With this season coming to a close a new one is emerging. You would think I am talking about the fall but, I am talking about "Cuffing Season."  

Men and women all across America will be entering into romantic or semi-romantic relationships, to keep warm through the colder months. Urban Dictionary (2013) defines Cuffing Season as: "During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find
themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed."

Sunday, July 28, 2013

A Tiger Can't Change His Stripes: Why Trying to Change a Man is an Epic Fail.

Today I had the pleasure of chatting with one my guy friends from law school.

I asked him, "What is a topic a man wants to read from a woman's perspective?"

He responded with, "Why does a woman always try to change a man?"

My friend said he sees woman trying to change a man. He said he noticed that woman want a guy that does not really exist. They want a smart thug that never went to prison. He has a lot of money,
all the free time in the world, and he never cheats. So what they do is settle for a thug and attempt to change him. Then when he does not change, they cry to everyone about how trifling he is. I could not agree more. I see it everyday. The news-feeds on my social networks are overrun with women complaining about their crappy guy and the poor sap trying to defend himself. I see it in movies and TV shows. Almost every genre of music there is a song about how the guy is a skeezeball and the woman should have known soon as she met him.

With all of these stories why do so many women attempt the impossible? I turned to my Facebook friends for help. I asked them, "Can someone tell me why women try to change or fix a man? I would really like to know... Does it work?"
Here is what they had to say on the matter: 

Laura Lala Kirkland: "Hell no it doesn't work."

Pamela Fierro: "You can't change anyone."

Michael Towns: "People change only when they want to and put the work in other then that nobody can change somebody that don't want to change."

Jamie Helena: "A woman can't change a man because she loves him but a man can change if he loves her.. "

Dexter SpeaksKnowledge: "It shouldn't be about change in the first place, it should be about compromise. You don't go into a relationship thinking what do I have to change about this person, with live its whether or not you accept the person for who they are, which makes them unique. Certain circumstances will reveal issues that require adjustment but please, you and me both know baby girl if you're messing with the right person you live their flaws as much as the positives. It can open up someone's mind to think outside of their comfort zone and try to balance as opposed to dominate someone's personality. Relationships aren't a dictatorship."

Siobhan Ayers: "It took us all a very long time to know you can't change some one, and I don't know if it was ever about changing a person. I think it was more the thought of "they CAN change" and we just hoped we stuck around long enough to see it. A person won't change if they don't want too, which is a whole other lesson we all have to learn the hard way..."

Svetlana Ince: "They are dumb as beans..., you can't and shouldn't want to change ppl and they can only fix or help themselves when they accept they have problems or issues and want help...."
Although this is a small sample of people I think it was great one. The people who commented were all in their mid to late twenties, male and female, and came from various ethnic groups. While this is not a sociological or psychological research project, I think the conclusion is you cannot change a person and it's not even worth attempting.

My personal stance is, I am not an advocate of trying to change someone unless they ask for help. I have also been the one several men have tried to change. I can honestly say I hated every second of it. It took a toll on my self-esteem. I personally like the way I am. I like that I am free-spirit and completely guided by my own desires. I like how I look overall. I am by no means stick thin and I do have a slightly protruding abdomen, but overall I find myself attractive. When a man decided he wanted to change how I dress, my weight, or the way I carry myself, I found that I would get depressed. I feel it was a leading cause of me cheating and looking elsewhere for love. In the beginning I tried to appease the guy because I cared about his feelings, but later I started to feel like I could find someone who wanted me the way I am. If I feel that way, a man must feel that way as well.
The best thing to do is make smarter choices.  Make a list of must have qualities (that are within reason) and do not compromise on that list.Take your time getting to know the person before you give them your heart and/or your panties. If you see things in your relationship you do not like speak up. If the person is willing to change they will. If you see no change, then move on. You may have some lonely days and nights, but its better to be alone than deal with unnecessary drama and heartache.
Well this is me signing off. Remember all isn't fair in love and war.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dating an Ass Hat- Run Away From Them Baby, Run Away!

Ladies and gents, have you ever dated an Ass Hat? The odds are you have or at least met one on your romantic journey. The Urban Dictionary defines an Ass Hat as, "A close cousin of the Ass-clown, typically identified by a jovial expression and an outward misunderstanding of how he/she is perceived, combined with a generally misguided conception of what is sociably acceptable amongst his/her fellow peers." Now that you have been informed...its time to tell my tale.

About two weeks during a video shoot for My best friend Gia, I met a young man that I will refer to as Larry Goldwitz. He was actually invited by me to be in the video as an extra, He belonged to a trio one of whom was a mutual friend. Our mutual friend thought it would be a good idea for us to link on a non-professional manner. To be honest he was not someone I would notice at first, second or third glance, but my close guy friend said it was a good look and I did not think he would steer me wrong.

During the shoot we chatted one another up.I began to realize he had a nice personality and we had a lot in common. We exchanged numbers and I figured well at least we could be friends if anything. Near the end of the shoot we discussed catching a Iron Man 3.

At this point the story picks up and hits full speed, I am going to speed through most of it and get to the pure Ass Hatness of it all. We did end up seeing that movie and had a great time getting to know one another after. We hung out and went on  several dates over the course of two weeks. On two of the occasions, I got to see a shooting star fly across the sky, while I was in his presence. All in all I was content.

I kind of wish life had a soundtrack. Like it played different melodies to let you know when things are about to go south. I believe my melody would have changed the day he introduced me to his mom.

I thought it was nice gesture and it made me feel less uncomfortable being at his house. That day was actually a pretty good one. He took me to breakfast that morning and dinner in the city. I think the Jaws music would have started playing when he asked me a seemingly innocent question.... On our way to Manhattan he asked me if I saw him as my boyfriend in the future. My palms got sweaty and my mouth got dry, but in my head I was thinking I do not want to come off as a player, or acting like a dude (this side of me will be discussed in another post). I told him that I could see it in the future. That was a true answer but my mental time frame was really 3 to 6 months from now. It's also a big enough time frame for me to meet someone I actually like better or find more appealing.  I mean he seemed a really nice and sweet guy and if things stayed easy for a good amount of time maybe.  He quickly responded saying that he felt the same about me.
Things were moving at a decent pace. I would hang out with him part of the day and my friends and family the other parts.  As a matter of fact he even stated that he had an "Open Door Policy," with me. That he liked how I went out and did my thing, but always came back to him. 
In my head I figured this was not going to last long, because things like this never do. I did want it to end nicely though, where we could be friends and have fond memories of one another. I also did not want any drama because my friend had kind of hooked us up and I did not want it falling on him.

Basically by the Sunday of our second week hanging out, things took a turn for the worst.
We saw Star Trek and went to dinner. During dinner he ask me what we were doing and I said dating. He asked me what that meant. I really wanted to say that we when go out I am not paying for diddly-do. What I actually said was that we were getting to know each other better hanging out and seeing where it leads. After dinner, We went to his place had wine and were listening to music. Out of the clear blue he decides to blurt out, that he does not want a relationship. After he says that he proceeded to try jump my bones.

I was like WTF?! I was not upset that he did not want a relationship, but how does someone say that after all the events I just relayed, and then tries to sleep with me. Was he kidding me? I was to tipsy to drive, so I slept it off and left the next day. That morning I did not say much to him. What was there to say? He called me and apologized and gave me some weak ass explanation for his behavior. The woman in me accepted it and invited him to see another good friend mine perform at the Blue Note in Manhattan. He accepted stating how he wanted to spend time with me and did not like the idea of me being mad at him.

Earlier I stated how I did not want any drama or my homeboy involved in this mess. Well basically When Larry felt I was slipping through his fingers, he got in contact with my friend letting him know what had transpired. My friend called me on the way to the city to see if I was alright. I was freaking mad. I felt like a line had been crossed one that I would never have crossed. Things honestly just died that day.

The day after we went to the city my friend felt Larry and I should talk. Larry told me he would be getting back from work in the city around 10:30 and asked for a ride from the train. I agreed to the task. Every twenty minutes, he text me he was catching the next train. I ended up picking him up from the train station at after 1 am. I was extremely annoyed. He does not live anywhere near me, it was late, and I had to be to work by 9 am. We did end up having a conversation and it left me extremely confused.  In one breathe he told me he was pushing me away because I was a great match for him and he did not want to be with anyone again ( he was engaged to an evil woman in the past and now needed time to heal). In the other breathe he was telling me how he missed me, did not want me mad, and was kissing me.

I told my friend the next morning what happened and he was basically confused as well. over the course of the next three days I tried to link with Larry. He would make plans with me early in the day around lunch time and by the time I got off of work, he would cancel. The worst had to be Saturday.

At 1pm that day we made plans to hang out at his house around 7:30.  At 4pm he tells me he is in Mount Vernon recording at a studio and that he has to go to the city and New Jersey. I asked him three times if he was cancelling and he never responded. I told my homeboy what was going on. Around 9pm I call him to talk and he does not answer but hits me up with a text letting me know he is working. Then he hits me with the "this is how feelings getting involved." At this point I am furious. I have no feelings for this guy. I basically liked one thing about him and if that was being cut-off there was no point in us communicating. I relayed more of what was going on to my friend and he told me he was going to ask him what was going on. I said to him, are you going to call him. He told me no that he was going to stop by. I did  not see how that was possible if the guy was in Manhattan or New Jersey, or Mount Vernon. My friend told me he was at his house. Imagine the shock on my face.
The first time in my life someone had made my jaw drop.  

Larry and I ended up texting each other. He basically told me he had some stuff to explain and not to be mad at him. He told me that my friend came by to see him. I said really where in Jersey, Mt. Vernon, or Manhattan? He said no my house. I acted as if I knew nothing, it seemed the best approach to me. I honestly do not need an explanation for a lie.

I basically felt that this story needed to be told. I know I am not the only one who has gone through something like this. I should have taken note of  the cues this guy was an Ass Hat and run for my life. He gave off clear clues. He was not very truthful, had his head stuck up his ass, he had way too much drama in his life, did not seem to have a center, and did not respect the time of others. He did all this fronting like he was not actually this way.

Ladies and Gents once you realize someone is an Ass Hat, do not walk but Runaway. I wish that Runaway by Kanye West had started playing as my soundtrack . Signing off now and  remember all isn't fair in love and war.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Home Sweet Home

An original short story by Le Me!!! Remember all isn't fair in love and war.

“Ahh man!” “Not again!” “What time is it?” I look for my phone under a pile of sheets, and there is no sign of it. I see the sunlight peeking through the shades. Damn I slept over. I finally hear Don Omar’s Danza Kuduro coming from my phone. It’s my mother I know she is wondering where I am. I’ll just shoot her a text with some vague story. I am 24 years old. Ever since I moved back home she can’t seem to keep the leash off. I check the time its 6:45 am. “Ugggghhhh!!!” I have to get out of here this just won’t do.

I look at the guy lying next to me. I can barely remember his name or what I’m even doing here. It must not be worth remembering. I look and see what the package looks like that I unwrapped to quickly. He appears to be about 6 feet tall, thin and slightly muscular. His skin tone is pretty ambiguous. It falls somewhere between light skin and dark skin. He has wavy hair, brown eyes, and full soft lips. He is of average looks, not too ugly but not exactly handsome. I call this type the usual. It’s the type that if I was at a bar I frequented, I would say, “Hey bartender, give me the usual!” and he would hand me one of these guys.

This has become the weekend routine. Every weekend for the last few months I’m here with a guy I have no intentions of really getting to know. He is just a guy to pass the time with. Someone to keep me busy during study breaks and moments of monotony. I know I should not be here. Actually I just don’t want to be here. It’s time to go! I just have to figure out how to untangle myself from these legs and arms.

I begin to writhe and wiggle myself free. I have to go potty really bad. He must to because I definitely smelled something funny come from his backdoor region. Now I really have to get out of here. He finally stirs from all my movement and give’s me that “Leaving so soon look?” The stare that always indicates he wants another round of whatever hot and sweaty fiasco we got ourselves into the night before. That’s the moment I realize he drove.

I rack my brain for this weeks excuse. He already knows my son is at his fathers. What’s a good one? Here we go! “ I have a job interview at 10 am. I better hurry home sorry.” I give him the cutie and pouty I’m sorry lip.

He says, “It’s ok sweetie there is always next time!” I giggle and smile knowing good and damn well there will never be a next time. He stands and gets dressed. I look at his abdomen and watch the v-shape lead to the place all women wonder about when we first meet a man. Maybe there will be a next time. Damn he just caught me staring. I look away as fast as I can.

We hop into his ridiculously sub-par whip. He starts to ask me my plans for the week. I give him the basics. I have to study spend time with the kids and so on and so forth. He asks if I can squeeze him in my busy schedule. I hit him with a sexy grin and a maybe. He pulls up to my crib. I kiss him on the cheek goodbye. I really wanted to give him a handshake but the ice queen role was so 2008. I get out of the car and walk to the door. He is already gone before I get the key out. I guess chivalry really is dead.

I walk inside and smell that familiar aroma of my home. I strip my clothes off and hop under my covers. My door opens slightly and my slinky tabby cat hops on my bed next to me. I have a few more hours until little man comes home. It’s 9 am and my phone starts buzzing back to back. It’s him and all the others. Asking me the same question in various forms. All starting with words like baby girl, light skin, and sexy. They all feel entitled in some way I guess. I make tentative dates with each one all the while planning to cancel the day of. I just don’t feel like leaving the comfort of my home sweet home.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Approach

I love my e-mail it is always loaded with goodies. This Thursday for instance I got a VIB reward from Sephora! Filled with utter joy I bolted out of work and to Walt Whitman mall. I figured while I am there, and spending my hard earned money, I might as well window shop. As I was walking,I passed by the "Me Ality" booth and a handsome young man asked me to come try it out. I had already done it a few weeks ago and while the salesmen was handsome he still looked wet behind the ears. But I can't resist chatting with new people so I engaged in some interesting dialogue with him and his Co-workers. They all looked good!!! I know bad! While I was there I realized I had monopolized their time and went on my way to the gym.

Later that evening I went to T.G.I Friday's with my best friend Gia a former video model. While we were there I let her know that besides from salesmen, men hardly ever approach me to talk. I am not a bad looking female, and a guy friend told me that, a man will always have a conversation with a pretty girl.  I have found this to be false 56% of the time.  I go out most weekends. I am well rounded person. I can be found at a Mets game or the hot new lounge, but where ever I am, I notice that men look and don't say hi. As a young woman opening herself up to dating this frustrates me to know end. It was even happening that night sitting at the bar at Fridays.

When I ask my friends and family why men do not approach me I always get the same answer. They are intimated by you. I am always blown by this response because I am a rather social being. I am attractive but I am no Beyonce.  I look like the typical girl next door. During the day I am typically dressed down, jeans and sneakers or flats. I do wear labels but aside from my purses they are not easily identifiable. I will admit I do not always smile. I typically am deep in thought (lol how else would I come up with such interesting post) and on the move.  I think it would be nice if just once a man says hello, how are you?

Friday night I went out to a club, I'll even post a pic just so you can see how I looked. Not one man approached but they talked to my friends. I danced on the floor all night on my lonesome. I was pretty disappointed but, I have grown used to this over the years. Whether I am at a church event, a social gathering, or Starbucks; I rarely ever get approached. If a man does say hello he is usually white ( I do not discriminate all are welcome to say howdy!) I just wonder what makes the brothers keep on walking and approach a less attractive female with horrible taste.

So today I found myself at the mall again shopping at Sephora. Hey its a weekend long coupon! I saw the cute guys from the "Me-ality" booth and they chatted me up some more. I also do not turn down conversations with attractive men. I boldly asked them their opinion on the matter. They responses they gave were great I'll list them.

1. You are intimidating.
2. You seem confident and sure of yourself, that makes men nervous.
3. You are pretty guys know realistically where they rank and want a girl no more than two places ahead of themselves. So if they see themselves as a 4 they are not going to approach anything they find higher than a 6.
4. You seem as if you know what you want guys are used to girls who don't know what they want. Whether it's the flavor of ice cream to which movie they would like to see.
5. You are a guy's girl.... translation- I think to much like a dude.
6. Maybe you do not show you are approachable, by making eye contact and flicking your hair, so he knows to approach.
7. You do not seem like you know how to flirt.

The greatest part was these answers came from men between the ages of 19-28. They are  from Long Island. They either held a degree or were in progress and They were black, Hispanic, and Indian. One guy was gay. I think that the answers I got from such a variety of men may be helpful in changing how I acquire a potential mate. I will probably never let go of my Micheal Kors bag, but I can definitely smile more and flick my hair. Well no time to try it like today for all those women out there who have been wondering the same thing as I have been. Ladies if you are ever in Walt Whitman Mall, stop at the "Me-Ality" Booth. Not only will you be able to learn the perfect fit for all the clothing at the mall, but you just might meet one of the cute salesmen.

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Stage 5 Clinger

As a women in her mid-twenties, dating can get very tricky. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who is truly interested in having a future with you, from the one trying to get between you and your 7 For All Mankinds.
There is one guy out there whose intentions will never be misinterpreted. He finds you beautiful, sexy, intelligent and ambitious. In his eyes you can barely do any wrong and he will wife you In a heartbeat. He will do anything for you at moments notice. He will trim the hedges, cook dinner, and give you a foot massage. He will shower you with compliments and gifts.
While many of you are reading this and thinking I want one just like that. BUYER BEWARE!!!!! He is not what you think. He is what is known as the Stage 5 Clinger or what Beyonce affectionately calls him the Bug-A-boo!
This man will hunt you for years. Waiting for the moment when a man or multiple men break your heart. He will like every picture on your Facebook and Instagram. He follows you on every social medium and may even show up to the bar you tagged you and your friends at. He will text you several times a month even if you constantly ignore him or give him one word responses with hours of space in between.
He knows all of your ex's by name and license plate. If he see's your husband, boyfriend, ex, or baby's daddy out at the club, he will alert you immediately. He will tell you everything down to the color of fake Red Bottoms the girl was wearing that was grinding all over him.
He lurks in the corners waiting for you to air your unhappiness on Facebook so he can swoop in like Captain Save'Em.
But women hold your ground, it is much better to ignore this type of man then to cave in. Heaven forbid you have sex with him. He will never stop calling.
I recently into the trap! I let a guy who has been trying to date me since I was 20, take me out on 3 separate occasions. My loneliness got the best of me. He wooed me with his kind words and promises. All the while I knew I did not want to have a single intimate moment with this man everything about him irritated me when we were together. I did not like his views on life. His voice annoyed me and he had a sort of fishy smell. The though of kissing him made me gag. I did and indeed I gagged! He would call when I was asleep 3x in a row and if I did wake up and answer, he demanded I stay up and talk to him! No way Jose (not his name) I need my beauty sleep!
I tried to get past it but just could not. Our very last date was a disaster. That night I politely told him I was only interested in friendship. For twenty-four hours he argued with me back and forth about how I should give him a chance. I just could not. No matter how polite I was about it he would not take no for answer. At the end he basically told me he was doing me a favor by dating me. I finally gave him an earful. The end result being lose my number. About three days later he text me some information on law schools (which I already knew). I did not respond but it clearly showed me he did not respect my wishes!
While this is one of my many stories of Stage 5 clingers.. Heed my advice and don't walk... RUN!
Please share your Stories men and women. Until tomorrow for more Sam's Law Love and War!!


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