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Thursday, January 30, 2014

I'm Backkkkkkk!!!!!/The Phantom

It's been a minute since I have written anything. I got real caught up with school, work, family, and a relationship. I feel like I missed out on so much as 2013 came to a close. I  started co-hosting an awesome Underground hip-hop radio show, on, known as DourHour Radio. I was really upset to have to put these two aside. The blog and the show were important to me. I was heartbroken to have to fall back from it.I had so much going on and so little time. This semester I decided to slow it down a bit. While I will be taking more classes, I also promise I will make time for things that are important to me.

Today I am not going to post one of my witty articles many of you have grown to love, but a little glimpse into my psyche. This little story has to do with a relationship that had a huge impact on my life. I know a lot of times we do not like to admit that we let someone have such power over us, but as you all know, I am not afraid to go there. It might even be therapeutic for me to let you guys read it.

so here it goes and remember all isn't fair in love and war...         

I hate these dreams. The ones you wake up from that feel so real. The ones that you know are memories that lay hidden in the recesses of my mind; they are reminders of the phantom pieces of my heart. The part that got lost when they walked away. I hate these dreams they make me feel sideways. In them I am lost in the desires of my heart. I come to realizing that it was all imagined. We didn’t just have a stroll in the park. We didn’t just laugh until our cheeks hurt. You did not just kiss me tenderly as I feel asleep in your arms and tell me you love me.  I woke up to empty arms and a cold bed. You were never there you haven’t been there for years.

I try frantically to fall asleep again. Hoping maybe I can will that dream to come back, so I can have you again for a moment longer. The ghost of you in my dreams is all I have left now.  You are gone. I know that every time I wake from them. The wake up hurts as much as the break-up.

The wake up reminds me of why you left. I can hear you voice so clearly. “ I am not happy, being with you does not make me happy,” I know that it’s true. I saw it in your eyes months before you even uttered those words. It still did not stop me from saying, “I thought you loved me and you said you were never going to leave me and you were always going to be there for me.”  With no emotion at all you say, “When was the last time I said those things?” It is not really a question but a command from you to me. A command that forces me to rack my brain and realize that was months ago before your eyes showed me something different.

No matter where I run.  From arm to arm, state-to-state, and continent-to-continent, I can’t escape these dreams. I can’t escape the memory of you. It’s like Kanye said “In my past, you on the other side of the glass of my memory's museum,” All you are now is a relic. A piece of my history hidden behind the glass wall of my memories I can no longer touch you but, you have left an indelible mark on me.  You have become immortalized in my dreams. You are the Phantom.

* Note to readers this piece is best read listening to the song “Sideways” by Citizens Cope*

Monday, April 15, 2013

Boston Marathon

Most of my articles are social commentary on relationships, but today's article is about humanity. This one is in regards to, the tragic events that are happening in Boston right now and all the devastation that has occurred. This is the War side!

I am heartbroken by the events that took place in Boston these last few hours. The tragedies that occurred today
truly sickens me! People are already pointing blame and rightfully so. When your country has been taking blow by blow, we want answers. Some will blame Islamics, the government, God, guns, even the federal reserve. For me it just makes the Hobbesian philosophy that, man is evil by nature, ring true. Whoever did this for whatever reason was truly wicked.

You have to be truly evil to cause this type of damage. I mean the lives that are lost, the people that suffered life altering injuries. The victims will have to deal with this trauma for the rest of those lives, the mental and physical anguish. The cost to repair a beautiful city.

This was not something foreseeable to the extent that it happened. It's sad that our country cannot enjoy an event without people fearing for their lives the whole time. I do not feel any extra precautions could have been taken. This is was planned for months and executed with great precision. Based off the fact the next bomb went off at JFK Library, these people wanted to cripple our nation.

The Boston Marathon has been a staple event for 116 years. People from all over the world come to take place in this amazing event. Whether it is for glory or just for the love of running this race has a special place in America's heart. The race also helps the economy of Boston and Massachusetts. The hotels are filled with guest, the restaurants, stores, and attractions get an even greater amount of patronage. In 2011, estimated that, $133.2 million dollars would be injected into Boston's economy due to the Marathon. This shows me that who ever did this wanted to destroy the city inside and out. I do not believe this was the job of someone who just wanted to make a name for themselves.

I don't know what to think, but all I can do is pray and hug my loved ones a little tighter. We never know when our last day is. I just don't want to have to live in fear all the time. I really don't but what choice do I have. I rush to kiss my daughter goodbye every morning because I do not know if someone will shoot up or bomb her school. I worry about family when they get on a plane. We don't even let them leave without making sure we say a prayer. I cannot truly enjoy a concert or major sporting event without looking over my shoulder for someone suspicious. I worry at the movie theater when I should be able to enjoy the latest action movie. I am worried that when my teenage siblings are out, they may get shot, for playing their music a little too loud in the parking lot. I worry that my little boy may be walking down the street, on a cold day wearing a hoodie and some nut job will shoot him.

This incidents makes me feel paranoid but in a justified way! I am going to leave off with a quote from the 1976 movie "The Network," because it truly embodies what I feel at this moment:

"I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work, or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild, and there’s nobody anywhere who knows what to do and there’s no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. We sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad. Worse than bad. They’re crazy.

It’s like everything, everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out any more. We sit in the house, and the world we live in is getting smaller. All we say is “Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.” Well, I’m not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot. I don”t want you to write to your congressman, because I don’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression, the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street.

All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad! You’ve gotta say “I’m a human being, goddammit! My life has value!” So… I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it and stick your head out and yell “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this any more!”


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